The dreams did not, as Vader might have expected, come after days when he had done part. evil.

[quigonejinn]

When Anakin was fourteen, a mission with Obi-Wan took them to a planet where the crust was more than forty-five percent ferromagnetic metal. Even the crystals incorporated significant amounts into their structures and could, therefore, be magnetized.

As an exercise for Anakin, as a sort of useful punishment for his lack of focus, Obi-Wan assigned him the job of using the Force to manipulate his personal magnetic field and use it to reshape a particularly loosely-bonded crystal that Obi-Wan had come across. For example, there was the transport they had used to arrive at this planet and various local landmarks. Furniture that they had in their rooms, basic shapes. Crude objects, mainly, because Anakin was still having trouble with finesse and small-scale control. Anakin could blow apart doors and jump from the clouds unharmed, but he had problems summoning objects from across the room without breaking every window, and Obi-Wan did not think that Anakin would be able to master anything more complicated.

Therefore, at the end of the stay, Anakin surprised Obi-Wan by modeling Obi-Wan's own face back at him.

It was whole, complete, from the slope of the forehead down to the shape of the chin. When Obi-Wan's expression moved in surprise, the model moved, too. The eyes widened; the jaw dropped, and after Obi-Wan swallowed down his shock, he congratulated Anakin. It was admittedly a masterful job. Instead of Anakin answering back directly, though, with proper Padawan humility, the face winked and smirked. If Anakin could have made it bow, he would have, and Obi-Wan had been exasperated by that, of course, and twenty years later, Anakin, as Vader, had a dream that sent him back to that room.

There was little physiological need for him to sleep anymore, but there were times when he would lapse into a state that was much like dreaming. On this occaision, it was all there, entirely in his memory, vivid and uncolored in a way that he never saw anymore.

The bay windows looking out into the garden. The curving furniture that he had spent hours and hours modeling and breaking his brain on. The marble floor that he'd slipped on when he'd come out of the 'fresher their first night there, the flowers in a vase on a table, and he was standing in the center of the room with the crystal in his hands again.

There was no Obi-Wan, though, not in even in his hands. There was some small triumph in that, but no matter how he tried, in the dream, Vader found that he could not get the crystal in his hands to take on any shape but his own, at twenty-one and full of love and hope.

That was, somehow, for Vader, worse.

Comments

[randomalia.livejournal.com]

Reading this was the first time I felt an actual, sympathetic interest in Anakin as Vader. The way he could recall the room perfectly, just the way he had seen it as a boy, and yet not be able to see Obi-Wan - that was really strong. The following paragraph is what clinches it; it's wonderful. It makes him something lovely.

I think your last sentence could be streamlined a little, but only to give it more punch. (Do you even want comments like that?)

what, you mean this isn't hornblower fic? :( :( :(

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Of course I do. XD I mean, in the sleep-fogged mood that I was writing this in last night, it seemed like a good idea to slow that sentence down -- I was also thinking of this as being the opening scene to a whole long fic about Qui-Gon coming to him as a ghostie and not wanting to give away the notion of Vader's redemption too soon, but yeah, in the cold light of morning, it doesn't look like the right thing to do.

So I totally appreciate the pointer. I always want to hear flow stuff, y'know?

It's totally weird writing a sympathetic Vader, and the trick easier-said-than-done, as far as I can tell, is trying to make him interesting without wussifying or emo'ing him up toomuch.

*will not make joke about Vader sailing up the English channel*

[randomalia.livejournal.com]

I think you could slow it down by extending it, even. 'Much worse' reads better to me, but then I abuse commas terribly, so.

I think making him *interesting* is what a lot of fic fails to do. Not that I have read much Anakin fic, um? But he has a great story. That lava scene is fantastic because he's so full of hatred and trashed ideals. And what I find interesting is that, by the time ANH comes around, I see an evolved person - as in, it's not just Anakin in a suit. He's just about the most frightening dude in the galaxy. And yet you can see the vestiges of Anakin in there, with 20 years of skewed maturity.

It would be exactly like Qui-Gon not to give up on him - have you read Rogue Planet? Because there's some interesting stuff in there with Qui-Gon talking to Anakin.

you know, i never realized it before, but vader kinda looks like an unbandaged, shiny sandperson *_*

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

*attempts to fiddle with last line, fails to have the brain to do with it*

Rogue Planet is one of the EU novels, right? *looks it up on Amazon, makes note to read it* I'm kind of insanely fascianted, really, by how you'd go about talking to crazy Vader Anakin. How do you approach him? What do you do to convince whatever tiny core of him isn't given over entirely to the Empire?

*____* And he hates sand. It's always getting in places.

[randomalia.livejournal.com]

I haven't read many of the EU books, but I love Rogue Planet. It's set a few years after TPM, and Qui-Gon (er, hope I am not spoiling you) is actually speaking to both Anakin and Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan *refuses to believe it*. And Anakin's all: heh, Qui-Gon just visited me in my dream. He says hi!
Obi-Wan: O.O SHUTUPNOW.

I think Anakin/Vader was delusional from sometime in RotS to RotJ, but never completely sold on the idea of being evil or whatever, so much as thinking he was trapped. And accepting it.

[rabidfangurl.livejournal.com]

OW. Damn you, woman, for writing such good hurt.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHA. You know, I'm told that you're the Anakin person around here, so I'm glad that it worked out for you. :D

[bell]

You obviously hate us all very much. D:

As an exercise for Anakin, as a sort of useful punishment for his lack of focus

Heeee. XD

I do think the second to last paragraph needs a bit more filling out, it's a little too understated. There's some contradictions I had difficulty getting over, like how why he's sculpting himself at 21 when the experience was when he's 14, and why it was worse if it was a triumph that Obi-Wan wasn't there.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

why it was worse if it was a triumph that Obi-Wan wasn't there

Yeah, the snip is kind of thin. After a night of sleep, it really does look like the start of something rather than something that can stand by itself, but the stuff about the lack of Obi-Wan and the sculpting, I think I'm going to keep. Like, the thing about Obi-Wan not showing up and him sculpting himself?

It's supposed to be a sign of how fundamentally, down-to-the-core self-centered Anakin is. When he grieves for the past, he's not really thinking about how it's fucked other people over, but instead, he's all focused on how much things suck for him. And showing himself at 21 is was supposed to be a stab at showing how his younger, better self has taken the place of Obi-Wan -- the person that haunts him, tries to make him become better, and with whom he has this immensely complicated relationship.

*pokes snip* Yeah, it's gonna take some forward and backwriting to get it all to really fill in properly, never mind the whole bit about Qui-Gon. XD

One of the things that I've been having an insanely hard time buying about most Vaderfic is how much he seems to get all emo about Obi-Wan as Vader. Um, no, guys, he thought that Obi-Wan had betrayed ihm him. And if there was residual emo left about his old Master, I have a hard time thinking that Anakin wouldn't somehow manage to squish and exclude it. The denial is strong in that one.

[a-blue-moon-cat.livejournal.com]

but no matter how he tried, in the dream, Vader found that he could not get the crystal in his hands to take on any shape but his own, at twenty-one and full of love and hope.

That was, somehow, for Vader, worse.

You got me on those last lines. I can't describe the sad noise I made. Probably close to, but entirely different from, an R2 sad sound.

*sniffs and whimpers a little*

I understand the business about power, but no finesse. It's how I used to play tennis. That's why racquetball was a better sport for moi. And yet, I can sit down and untangle a pile of jewelry, painstakingly, necklace by necklace by bracelet by choker, and not get frustrated. I don't get it. And I suspect, neither did Anakin. :)

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Ahah. I'v enever played racquetball. It looks like it involves a rather lot of conquering one's fears of small flying objects headed directly at one, and uh. I spent ENTIRELY too much time sucking and sucking hard in elementary gym classes to enjoy that in any way. *_*

Vader is an odd creature to feel sympathy for, but I'm trying to find it in me as part of my Understand Anakin campaign. XD

And. By the way. I don't think that I got a chance to say this with the other comments that you've been leaving, but I really do appreciate it. It's really lovely to know that somebody could enjoy my stuff enough to leave comments on so many of the stories. ^_^

[a-blue-moon-cat.livejournal.com]

*grins* I can understand that fear, as I wear glasses. I've tried to conquer it over the years, but have never suceeded all the way.

DV and sympathy didn't go together for me at all, until I saw the backstory of the PT and realized that here was a person who had made a number of choices (good and bad, a lot of them bad) and was a complex person in a difficult time and situation. When I recently saw ANH again, I felt very sorry for DV, still trapped in that suit and the horror of his soul after twenty years.

And leaving comments is the least I can do to show my appreciation for others' work. :) If I take the time to read it, it's the least I can do to leave a comment. And also, if I take icons, I always let the icon maker know which ones and why. Again, it seems the least that I could do.

You're very welcome, because you are such a good writer, and getting better all the time, the mark of a true talent.

[imadra-blue.livejournal.com]

Oh, gorgeous. Just a lovely little piece, full of science fiction-y detail, and beautiful detail and insight on Anakin. I really, really like this. The last sentence got me, too. Just sad and haunting. Memorable, which is why I like your stuff. It always sticks out in my mind. It's not run of the mill. It's unique. :D

Couple spelling errors here and there, if you care about such things, and I would have loved the back end to be expanded. It kind of melded from Obi-Wan to Vader, and you did the shift nicely, but you know me. I'm a greedy bitch, always wanting more. ;)

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Oh, spelling. Pfft. XD Who, besides every damn person in the world, notices those kind of things?

This should, theoretically, someday hook up to a longer fic about Qui-Gon finding Anakin again through his dreams, but we'll see if I can actually oblige. XD

[hlglne.livejournal.com]

The dream is not doing what he wants it to, because 21-year old Anakin will not go away. This rings true and is haunting, yes. Wise dreams are one of my favorite parallels, in fic, to real life.

Do go on.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

If I can, I will. :D Thanks for the lovely note.

[fatale.livejournal.com]

Lovely and haunting.

[neotoma.livejournal.com]

That was, somehow, for Vader, worse.

Ouch. But so Vader... focusing on his hurts, and not the wrongs he's done other people.

[polgarawolf.livejournal.com]

Ah, damn. Stupid Vader. Stupid stupid stupid Anakin. I'm going to go think of more ways to kill Sidious now, I think . . .

(Sorry, one of my two SW OTPs has been Obi-Wan/Anakin since I was, like, five, and first saw ANH. Don't ask how a five-year-old gets undying love out of a relationship referred to only briefly and mostly obliquely. I was a weird kid, okay?)