The Friend of Man.

[quigonejinn]

It has been indicated to me that the latest fashion in trendy fandom circles is . . . to write crackfic in which one of the main characters turns into an animal. I am, uh, ever a slave to fashion. Or something.

Inspired by seeing cupiscent write about Sam Winchester as a cat.



[18:23]: Once upon a time, there was a man whose best friend turned into a cat. This surprised everyone, as it had been generally assumed that should Bush ever become an animal, he would become a dog.

[18:23]: Nevertheless, he made a very respectable tom, with good, thick shoulders, a slightly scraggly left ear, and miracle of miracles, a wooden left hind foot.

[18:25]: The clerk who did the tidying and sweeping of the dockyard commissioner's office found Bush, napping under a very large black tricorne. He took one look at Bush, decided that he didn't want to risk the claws, and sent a messenger to Smallbridge for the captain's very good friend.

[18:25]: "Oh drat," Hornblower said upon his arrival and confirmation that his best friend had, in fact, turned into a large gray cat.

[18:28]: In the end, though, it proved to be that having a cat for dockyard commissioner was not as bad as everybody thought it would be. For one thing, Mr. Bush was perfectly able to accomplish the work that needed to be done for his for his office -- drafting letters to the Admiralty complaining about the lack of manpower, money, amd material at Sheerness was something that could easily be done by his head clerk. Similarly, it was also much more peaceful in the offices, as Mr. Bush could now be pacified with a warm bowl of milk touched with rum.

[18:28]:It also bore dividends for Hornblower: he could now keep his best friend in bed all morning without anybody so much as batting an eyelash.

[18:28]: The end.

Comments

[iansmomesq.livejournal.com]

AhahahahahhahahaAAAAA!!!!! OMFG ITS YOUR BRAIN AT IT AGAIN and this just goes to show you how GOOD crack can be for your soul. Seriously.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

This is actually the spawn of a long, long, long ago crack discussion between phantomsangel and Bush owned HH, the cat. I disremember the details of our discussions, but I think we'd basically decided that HH basically ruled Bush's life with a velvet paw of iron and raised holy hell outside the bedroom door whenever Bush brought real pussy home. XD

[phantomsangel.livejournal.com]

BUT WHERE IS THE FURRY PORN? OMG.

BEST FIC EVAH.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

I know far more about cat penises than your feeble American mind would ever want to know, my friend. You don't want to read about HH giving Bush-cat and his fish hook a handjob.

[cleverthylacine]

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I love.

Sammy would make a good cat too.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Padalecki is such a big, big, big guy that I instinctively tend to think of Sam as a dog. Like, you know, one of those big-boned mutts with lots of working dog in them? And Dean, to me, is classic cat with his swagger and pretending and surprising clinginess.

But what the hell do I know? Did you read cupiscent's fic?

[black-hound.livejournal.com]

No doubt that tomcat had the biggest balls in Sheerness. XD

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Smallbridge, too, though it was a close thing when Barbara entered her bad boys into the contest.

[cupiscent.livejournal.com]

ROFL. Yea I do verily think I win. JUST BECAUSE.

Also it had been generally assumed that should Bush ever become an animal, he would become a dog is possibly one of the awesomest things every penned.

[thehappyreturn.livejournal.com]

I agree.

I bet Bush cat would be the kind of cat where you can make him cross his eyes by pointing at the bridge of his nose. And there's no such thing as play; it's all actually a very serious piece of string-chasing business.

If there were such a thing as an HH cat you know that he'd change his cat food flavour loyalty daily, and would only drink out of puddles. And would only sleep in the sink. And would sit down to lick his arse when you had company.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

I think your characterization is pretty much the greatest thing in the history of the Internetz. The idea of a cross-eyed Bush ha ha ha ha omg and HH sleeping in the sink and ahahahah. <3

Stories about Bush and his wretched cat Horatio now, plz.

[thehappyreturn.livejournal.com]

That would be so stealing your ideas. But I so want to give it a go.

:D

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

AHAHA. It was your idea to begin with, so it's all yours. As if it's necessary, YOU HAVE MY OFFICIAL BLESSING.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

AHAHA. You do win. For all time. I just spent the past twenty minutes laughing into my sleeve over Dean as a girl. :D

[fairestcat]

HAHAHAHAHA

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

:DDDDD

[(Anonymous)]

Oh yeah, drunk cat joy! Sorry to plothole or anything, but most cats are lactose-intolerant, and giving them milk makes them puke. Well, at any rate, it made MINE puke. Over tatami, which was an interesting experience when it came to cleaning up... But then again, we're talking Bush, who probably had a digestive system of STEEL from all those years eating rancid butter, ship's biscuit, salted meats, half-solid, mouldy green water, and enough mustard to supply at least three Dijon families for THEIR WHOLE LIVES, so, yeah, he could probably handle a little milk.

Probably he'd even prefer a warm bowl of rum touched with milk.

I love this. (But tell me Bush the kitty had blue eyes...) And someone needs to draw Hornblower in bed, cuddling a cat.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHA. Um. Well. I guess it's the same as it is for rodents, then. (I've never had a cat because I'm desperately allergic, but uh, maybe the theory you propose. Or maybe the theory that Bush would learn to be pacified by the milk in the same way that HH thinks that Bush would have learned to like peace?)

And of course Bush the Kitty had blue eyes. :D

[randomalia.livejournal.com]

"Oh, drat" is my favouritest thing.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

I already associate that word with you, actually. :D

[randomalia.livejournal.com]

It's because I am the biggest dork this side of the equator, isn't it? :0

High-school au would be awesome. All AUs are awesome in my book, though.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Now that my sister is back in the Northern hemisphere, yes, yes, you are the biggest dork. :D

Alas, I know nothing about English/Australian schools. I was in a country that followed the English school system, though, and spent many an hour dreaming about HH in one of those little school jackets.

*geeks out*

[randomalia.livejournal.com]

I had a big love for my school blazer when I was in senior highschool. At my junior highschool they were Totally Uncool and no one wore them, but it was the complete opposite at the next level. I mean, they had perfectly placed pockets you stick your hands into while looking nonchalant! And they were satin-lined! Silver buttons and a crest. It was awesome.

You know, a whole lot of sex could be had at English boys boarding schools. Just saying. :>

Re: *geeks out*

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

You're the one who actually knows about this kind of thing. All I know about boarding schools is what I know about, um, Hogwarts, and you're the one who loves silver buttons and satin lining.

*daydreams about HH in a Head Boy blazer or whatever the fuck they're called*

Re: *geeks out*

[randomalia.livejournal.com]

Nah, I know about as much as you do. The Australian system is pretty much what you'd expect, at least the everyday sorts of schools like I went to. It's just that we all have uniforms, including the public schools.

Hogwarts is probably about right, if you took out the magic and added some fist fighting. :> Because in my stereotyping head, all English boarding schools must have fist fighting, school ties and boys giving each other handjobs in secret. Hopefully no one will destroy my precious illusions.

[ex-kalymura481.livejournal.com]

"Mr. Bush could now be pacified with a warm bowl of milk touched with rum".

Love that mental image. :D
And also the not-quite-mentioned idea that Bush can now be 'touched up' by dockyard workers as he prowls by. HH would seethe!

btw, I have the cat from The Last Unicorn in my head: http://www.lair2000.net/Unicorn_Lyrics/instrumental/cat.jpg

Wrong leg though.

omg your bush icon. :D :D

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

HAAHAHAH. For Hornblower's sake, I'd hope that Bush was a little nicer than that kitty, but ahahah. :D :D :D I don't know which is funnier. The idea of Bush being touched up, or the idea of HH seething over people molesting his cat.

[dastier.livejournal.com]

*weeps*

i have no words :D

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

What can I say? At least I haven't written high-school HH and WB.

Although I'll admit to having thought about it. XD

[dastier.livejournal.com]

well, you can always do that in the future, ne? ;))