(no subject)
Aug. 12th, 2006 01:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quigonejinnTwo versions of the same fairy tale. I am a retard; it is true.
Once upon a time, there was a boy who played in pig-troughs -- mind you, he was not born to play in pig troughs, though he had great fears that one day, he would be found out and would be prevented from every playing again in the pig trough. It did not help that he was morbidly conscious of the fact that he was in dire financial straits and consequently, could not afford better than pinchbeck for his shoes.
It happened that the boy, who had really grown into a man at this point, heard about a ball being given for captains. "Oh, how I should like to go to the Captain's Ball!" the boy cried, and when his fairy godperson heard of this decision, the fairy godfather summoned the boy.
"I am retiring soon, boy," Cornwallis said. "As such, I can grant one wish for you. What would you like it to be?"
The boy paused. His first instinct, of course, was to ask that he be allowed to go to the Captain's Ball, but he realized that he had grander ambitions than that. He wanted, in addition, to be financially comfortable. He wanted a cottage in the countryside with shelves and shelves of books, and since he really was a rather bright and clever boy, he said to his fairy godfather, "I should like to be other than I am."
The fairy godfather frowned at him. "Well, I am not sure I can accomplish that. Are you sure that is what you would like? I can certainly give you an invitation to the Captain's Ball, or I could keep your dear friend, the blue-eyed pig, from ever being made into sausage."
"Quite," the boy said, for his ambitions reached rather farther than that, and the fairy godfather waved his pen, and the boy found that he quickly acquired many of the things that he desired and more.
He was rich instead of merely financially comfortable; he had an estate in the country instead of a chateau. He acquired, in addition, a wife of whom he need not be ashamed, and when it seemed as though his dear friend with the blue eyes was to be shipped off for the hinterlands to be made into sausage, he arranged for the friend to have a position of power and security despite the fact that the friend had acquired a wooden trotter due to a previous run-in with the sausage factory.
One night, as he lay in his bed, he thought to himself, vaguely: I should like friendship and companionship. I feel lonely.
On the morning, he woke, and after certain events had occurred -- the arrival of the sausage factory, notwithstanding an imminent fall in pork prices, the departure of his wife for foreign lands, a son who no longer needed him and bore, the men of more famous name to boot -- he realized that when young, he had been unsecure in his position, but happy. Now old, he was secure, but unhappy.
His fairy godfather had, indeed, been more successful than could be hoped. All that was left to the boy, first become a man, now become an old man, was to work on forgetting what he had been.
It was to that end that he sailed for the West Indies.
Unless you are![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
black_hound, version 2 makes no sense without the following points:
Once upon a time, there was a boy who played in pig-troughs and felt that he was very ugly. His hair was too thin, he felt, and his legs were long and sticklike, resembling those of spiders that he had seen. His shoe buckles were pinchbeck, and there were runs in his stockings. When he looked at himself in the bath, he could not help but think that he was a very, very unsatisfied with the way he looked.
Nevertheless, when he heard of a great ball that was to be given, his heart filled with desire to go, and he went down to the wish-giver's shop.
"Well, I can give you three wishes on credit," the proprietor said. "They'll have to be pledged against your future income, and as they're wishes being given on credit, I can't guarantee how long they'll last or how effective they are. You'll have to get out of three at midnight."
But the boy was poor, and that was all he could afford. He took the three wishes and when dusk was falling, he went to a bit of clear space and invoked the first one, wihch was in the shape of a coin.
"I should like to be beautifully dressed," he said, and lo! He was dressed in fine cloth with silver buckles on his feet and real gold around his shoulders.
He took the second wish, which was in the shape of a tiny wheel, and said, "I should like to travel to the ball beautiflly," he said. And lo! there was a shining carriage, drawn by four matched horses as white as sea-foam, as well as a matching driver and footman.
Ecnouraged by these successes, he took out the third wish, which was in the shape of a tiny pineapple. "I should like to be beautiful," he said.
And lo! Much to his surprise, he became a woman. The wish had even conjured a mirror for his hand so that he might see how good-looking he was as a member of the female gender -- the lips that were too rich for a boy's face fit well into a woman's, and the curls that were the bane of his efforts to look stern and manly tumbled sweetly around his shoulders. If he looked down, he saw a shimmering gown, for the first wish had still been lingering when he invoked the third. His nails had been trimmed to show how long and beautiful his fingers were; diamonds of the first water were in his ears, and he had a powdered decollete as low as any young court beauty possessed of first-rate breasts could have desired.
The only thing that had remained the same were the size of his feet. They were beautifully shod in silver and pearls, but they were rather the same size as they normally were.
There was nothing to be done. The wish-shop was closed. He had, after all, been warned that these were wishes on credit that might be faulty, and the boy -- now made into a beautiful woman with rather large feet -- accepted the help fo the footman to ascend to the coach. During the ride to the ball, the boy tried to comfort himself with the thought that at least he made a decent-looking woman.
And oh, how decent-looking he did appear. The stir that went through the ballroom when he arrived --
"Look how tall she is," the Marquess whispered behind a fan. "She walks with such assurance."
"Look how proud she is," the Baron murmured to his friend. "She lifts her hand and curtseys as though she is only playing a role."
"Look what a couple they make," the old women sitting by the wall said to each other, looking upon the Prince and the pig-trough boy made after the prince asked for the first dance.
It seemed that the beautiful visitor was tone-deaf, but she could follow the martial dances rather well. And there was conversation, too, such as Prince Charming had never imagined would be possible at a grand state event like this. They talked about reefs and sheets, quarterbills and running before the wind when the bottom of your ship had not seen copper in months. At dinner, the Prince insisted that she sit next to him, and he felt so at ease with her that he called a footman to bring him mustard for his mutton -- the mustard pot turned out ot be handy for explaining how to calculate position in the low latitudes.
The Prince never thought he could be so happy with a woman, in fact, and how her diamonds flashed! They were almost as bright as her eyes. Surely, she must dress in the dark because there was so much light in them. And what fine hands, too, so long and slim and lovely that it did not seem possible they should move so capably when constructing an octant out of tableware and a candelabra.
After dinner, the Prince pulled her away from the whist table. They went out into the garden. A fair wind was blowing from south by southwest, and he hemmed and he hawed and looked down at his feet and rememebred very hard that no matter how beautifully she might look at him, he been a properly raised midshipman and ought not stick his hands in his pockets.
Just as he was about to make his offer, though, the bell rang.
"The end of the first watch!" the beautiful woman cried, jerking away from him even while the Prince was frozen in marvel at what a wonderful creature this was, who looked so fine in a dress and thought of time in the Navy way, too. "I must go; I cannot stay!"
And she sprang away into the darkness, leaving behind only a single, enormous shoe, decorated around the heel with scenes of a naval battle in sequins.
The pig trough-boy was forced to run for the carriage, indeed, and though the driver went at a mad pace through the streets of the town, the carriage disappeared mid-ride. It vanished out from under the pig-trough boy, and he had to limp back the rest of the way. No magic in the world could make women's dancing shoes comfortable, and he was both footsore and heart-sore in the days that followed -- what a magical night that had been! How beautiful the society, and how blue the eyes of the Prince!
It had gone so quickly, and he would never get to finish his explanation of the adjustments required for calculating position in the low latitudes. He only had a single, enormous dancing slipper to remember the evening by.
A few days later, however, a grand carriage pulled up to the pig trough, and a blue-and-gold coated figure stepped out.
"Pardon me," the figure said, mopping at his brow. "You wouldn't happen to know if there were any large-footed women in the neighborhood, would you? I am looking for a beautiful wo -- "
The man broke off at that point, for the boy who had been sitting in the pig-trough was staring at him with an open mouth. And there was something rather familiar about that face. The lips, the eyes, the hands that were still beautiful even though the nails were half-chewed and rough. It was different, and yet somehow familiar.
"The amount by which the sum of the angles exceeds 180° is called the spherical excess," the boy blurted out, unable to stop himself, for the sight of the handsome prince with his eyes so blue in that swarthy face had quite robbed him of the ability to think clearly.
Somehow, the prince summoned up the presence of mind to call his valet over and order him to bring up the enormous slipper he had been taking with him from house to house. It fit perfectly over the pig-trough boy's foot, for indeed, he had been the one who wore the shoes with Trafalgar embroidered at the heel.
"No other foot has been able to fill Nelson's shoes," the prince said, tears standing his eyes and his hard hands still cradling the pig-trough boy's foot.
And that is how Prince Not-So-Charming found a bride who could understand the difficulties of reef and sheet, who could help him out of navigational difficulties and to whom few words were necessary to convey the strength of feeling between them. In fact, as a wedding present, the proprietor of the wish-shop gave the pig-trough boy the ability to change into a woman and back at will, which enabled him to oversee the baking of biscuits by the Loire without any shame.
That, however, is another story for another time.
Once upon a time, there was a boy who played in pig-troughs -- mind you, he was not born to play in pig troughs, though he had great fears that one day, he would be found out and would be prevented from every playing again in the pig trough. It did not help that he was morbidly conscious of the fact that he was in dire financial straits and consequently, could not afford better than pinchbeck for his shoes.
It happened that the boy, who had really grown into a man at this point, heard about a ball being given for captains. "Oh, how I should like to go to the Captain's Ball!" the boy cried, and when his fairy godperson heard of this decision, the fairy godfather summoned the boy.
"I am retiring soon, boy," Cornwallis said. "As such, I can grant one wish for you. What would you like it to be?"
The boy paused. His first instinct, of course, was to ask that he be allowed to go to the Captain's Ball, but he realized that he had grander ambitions than that. He wanted, in addition, to be financially comfortable. He wanted a cottage in the countryside with shelves and shelves of books, and since he really was a rather bright and clever boy, he said to his fairy godfather, "I should like to be other than I am."
The fairy godfather frowned at him. "Well, I am not sure I can accomplish that. Are you sure that is what you would like? I can certainly give you an invitation to the Captain's Ball, or I could keep your dear friend, the blue-eyed pig, from ever being made into sausage."
"Quite," the boy said, for his ambitions reached rather farther than that, and the fairy godfather waved his pen, and the boy found that he quickly acquired many of the things that he desired and more.
He was rich instead of merely financially comfortable; he had an estate in the country instead of a chateau. He acquired, in addition, a wife of whom he need not be ashamed, and when it seemed as though his dear friend with the blue eyes was to be shipped off for the hinterlands to be made into sausage, he arranged for the friend to have a position of power and security despite the fact that the friend had acquired a wooden trotter due to a previous run-in with the sausage factory.
One night, as he lay in his bed, he thought to himself, vaguely: I should like friendship and companionship. I feel lonely.
On the morning, he woke, and after certain events had occurred -- the arrival of the sausage factory, notwithstanding an imminent fall in pork prices, the departure of his wife for foreign lands, a son who no longer needed him and bore, the men of more famous name to boot -- he realized that when young, he had been unsecure in his position, but happy. Now old, he was secure, but unhappy.
His fairy godfather had, indeed, been more successful than could be hoped. All that was left to the boy, first become a man, now become an old man, was to work on forgetting what he had been.
It was to that end that he sailed for the West Indies.
Unless you are
black_hound, version 2 makes no sense without the following points: 1. There is this deep thread about transformation and transition in the HH books. Hornblower, as a child, dreams a pig trough into a ship. In Flying Colours, HH textually allows Bush to treat him like a woman. In Commodore HH thinks of Bush as a hen. In both Crisis and Flying Colours, there's that element of pretend and masquerade. It's a core element of Hornblower's personality that he very deeply wants to be other than what he is.This is still fucking crack, though. I AM PRETTY SURE IT STILL WON'T MAKE SENSE :D
2. There is a theme of HH being a chick, particularly when placed next to Bush. No, seriously. Bush likes bare Spanish titties and sassy wenches; HH wants warmth and cuddling and reassurance. Bush is big and brawny; his solution to problems is to grab a sword and fire a broadside, whereas Hornblower is thin and intellectual and guile-y. Bush builds a boat out of toothpicks while Hornblower supervises the . . . biscuit making.
Once upon a time, there was a boy who played in pig-troughs and felt that he was very ugly. His hair was too thin, he felt, and his legs were long and sticklike, resembling those of spiders that he had seen. His shoe buckles were pinchbeck, and there were runs in his stockings. When he looked at himself in the bath, he could not help but think that he was a very, very unsatisfied with the way he looked.
Nevertheless, when he heard of a great ball that was to be given, his heart filled with desire to go, and he went down to the wish-giver's shop.
"Well, I can give you three wishes on credit," the proprietor said. "They'll have to be pledged against your future income, and as they're wishes being given on credit, I can't guarantee how long they'll last or how effective they are. You'll have to get out of three at midnight."
But the boy was poor, and that was all he could afford. He took the three wishes and when dusk was falling, he went to a bit of clear space and invoked the first one, wihch was in the shape of a coin.
"I should like to be beautifully dressed," he said, and lo! He was dressed in fine cloth with silver buckles on his feet and real gold around his shoulders.
He took the second wish, which was in the shape of a tiny wheel, and said, "I should like to travel to the ball beautiflly," he said. And lo! there was a shining carriage, drawn by four matched horses as white as sea-foam, as well as a matching driver and footman.
Ecnouraged by these successes, he took out the third wish, which was in the shape of a tiny pineapple. "I should like to be beautiful," he said.
And lo! Much to his surprise, he became a woman. The wish had even conjured a mirror for his hand so that he might see how good-looking he was as a member of the female gender -- the lips that were too rich for a boy's face fit well into a woman's, and the curls that were the bane of his efforts to look stern and manly tumbled sweetly around his shoulders. If he looked down, he saw a shimmering gown, for the first wish had still been lingering when he invoked the third. His nails had been trimmed to show how long and beautiful his fingers were; diamonds of the first water were in his ears, and he had a powdered decollete as low as any young court beauty possessed of first-rate breasts could have desired.
The only thing that had remained the same were the size of his feet. They were beautifully shod in silver and pearls, but they were rather the same size as they normally were.
There was nothing to be done. The wish-shop was closed. He had, after all, been warned that these were wishes on credit that might be faulty, and the boy -- now made into a beautiful woman with rather large feet -- accepted the help fo the footman to ascend to the coach. During the ride to the ball, the boy tried to comfort himself with the thought that at least he made a decent-looking woman.
And oh, how decent-looking he did appear. The stir that went through the ballroom when he arrived --
"Look how tall she is," the Marquess whispered behind a fan. "She walks with such assurance."
"Look how proud she is," the Baron murmured to his friend. "She lifts her hand and curtseys as though she is only playing a role."
"Look what a couple they make," the old women sitting by the wall said to each other, looking upon the Prince and the pig-trough boy made after the prince asked for the first dance.
It seemed that the beautiful visitor was tone-deaf, but she could follow the martial dances rather well. And there was conversation, too, such as Prince Charming had never imagined would be possible at a grand state event like this. They talked about reefs and sheets, quarterbills and running before the wind when the bottom of your ship had not seen copper in months. At dinner, the Prince insisted that she sit next to him, and he felt so at ease with her that he called a footman to bring him mustard for his mutton -- the mustard pot turned out ot be handy for explaining how to calculate position in the low latitudes.
The Prince never thought he could be so happy with a woman, in fact, and how her diamonds flashed! They were almost as bright as her eyes. Surely, she must dress in the dark because there was so much light in them. And what fine hands, too, so long and slim and lovely that it did not seem possible they should move so capably when constructing an octant out of tableware and a candelabra.
After dinner, the Prince pulled her away from the whist table. They went out into the garden. A fair wind was blowing from south by southwest, and he hemmed and he hawed and looked down at his feet and rememebred very hard that no matter how beautifully she might look at him, he been a properly raised midshipman and ought not stick his hands in his pockets.
Just as he was about to make his offer, though, the bell rang.
"The end of the first watch!" the beautiful woman cried, jerking away from him even while the Prince was frozen in marvel at what a wonderful creature this was, who looked so fine in a dress and thought of time in the Navy way, too. "I must go; I cannot stay!"
And she sprang away into the darkness, leaving behind only a single, enormous shoe, decorated around the heel with scenes of a naval battle in sequins.
The pig trough-boy was forced to run for the carriage, indeed, and though the driver went at a mad pace through the streets of the town, the carriage disappeared mid-ride. It vanished out from under the pig-trough boy, and he had to limp back the rest of the way. No magic in the world could make women's dancing shoes comfortable, and he was both footsore and heart-sore in the days that followed -- what a magical night that had been! How beautiful the society, and how blue the eyes of the Prince!
It had gone so quickly, and he would never get to finish his explanation of the adjustments required for calculating position in the low latitudes. He only had a single, enormous dancing slipper to remember the evening by.
A few days later, however, a grand carriage pulled up to the pig trough, and a blue-and-gold coated figure stepped out.
"Pardon me," the figure said, mopping at his brow. "You wouldn't happen to know if there were any large-footed women in the neighborhood, would you? I am looking for a beautiful wo -- "
The man broke off at that point, for the boy who had been sitting in the pig-trough was staring at him with an open mouth. And there was something rather familiar about that face. The lips, the eyes, the hands that were still beautiful even though the nails were half-chewed and rough. It was different, and yet somehow familiar.
"The amount by which the sum of the angles exceeds 180° is called the spherical excess," the boy blurted out, unable to stop himself, for the sight of the handsome prince with his eyes so blue in that swarthy face had quite robbed him of the ability to think clearly.
Somehow, the prince summoned up the presence of mind to call his valet over and order him to bring up the enormous slipper he had been taking with him from house to house. It fit perfectly over the pig-trough boy's foot, for indeed, he had been the one who wore the shoes with Trafalgar embroidered at the heel.
"No other foot has been able to fill Nelson's shoes," the prince said, tears standing his eyes and his hard hands still cradling the pig-trough boy's foot.
And that is how Prince Not-So-Charming found a bride who could understand the difficulties of reef and sheet, who could help him out of navigational difficulties and to whom few words were necessary to convey the strength of feeling between them. In fact, as a wedding present, the proprietor of the wish-shop gave the pig-trough boy the ability to change into a woman and back at will, which enabled him to oversee the baking of biscuits by the Loire without any shame.
That, however, is another story for another time.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-12 08:56 pm (UTC)i heartily agree with the chick thing, if there's a "woman" in the relationship, it's hornblower.
such lovely, lovely crack!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-14 05:13 pm (UTC):D
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-12 11:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-14 05:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-13 02:40 am (UTC)... that is the story of Prince Not-So-Charming found a bride who could understand the difficulties of reef and sheet, who could help him out of navigational difficulties and to whom few words were necessary to convey the strength of feelings between them
And that folks is it in a nutshell. *G*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-14 05:17 pm (UTC)<3333333 you, omg.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-13 03:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-14 05:19 pm (UTC)And I'm glad to have been amusing. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-13 04:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-14 05:24 pm (UTC)<3333
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-13 05:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-14 06:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-13 11:54 pm (UTC)*loves*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-14 04:28 pm (UTC)2. Acts like a chick/"not manly enough"
+
1. Not happy
=
Oogling Bush, the acceptably manly sailor.