quigonejinn: (im - chick under each wing)
[personal profile] quigonejinn
So. A couple of us were kicking around the idea of James Bond being in SHIELD and meeting Tony Stark and playing poker? And somehow, Bruce Wayne got involved? So. UH. HERE.




Three billionaires, James Bond, and a hyper-efficient personal assistant walk into a room. Who walks out?

...

Pepper deals, of course, and the room is actually the game salon on Harry Osborn's hundred-foot yacht, the Celebration. The décor is typical, understated Osborn, which means there is approximately an acre of mahogany on the walls, and a dowry's worth of bovines in the upholstery. Osborn himself comes in and watches for half an hour, then goes back to playing host; another table of players sets up in the same room, but they decide to move outdoors, and by ten-thirty, things have settled. Pepper is surprisingly good at dealing the cards. She takes them in hand, resting one edge on her fingertips and the other under her thumb, shuffles, strips from the bottom, shuffles again, strips again, shuffles a third time, and deals, smooth and easy as if they were on the floor of the Bellagio.

"Yes?" she says, her eyebrows lifted a little.

Bond looks appreciative; Obadiah seems amused. Bruce, as usual, looks like he's staring at a blank wall; Tony is a little put out that he never knew that Pepper was good at this, too.

...

After winning two hands in a row that add up to about the price of a very nice little sports car, Obadiah decides to light a celebratory cigar. Tony asks the steward to bring up one of the bottles of Laphroaig that he brought aboard, and in a gesture of solidarity, Bond drinks that instead of his usual.

"Water for your Scotch, Mr. Smith?" the steward asks. Mr. Smith is the name that Bond is using. A wealthy Irish industrialist, reaping the benefits of the Celtic Tiger and globalization. Slightly unsavory background, possible connection to the certain groups in South America with a tendency to kidnap and torture.

"No, just ice."

Tony, being Tony, keeps up a steady stream of banter. Obadiah answers; Bond-known-as-Smith stays quiet, offers a pleasant remark to the occasional sally, but remembers everything, and Bruce concentrates on playing even though Tony has known him since they were running around in miniature versions of their fathers' suits at society weddings. They both have distinct memories of the time that eight year old Tony managed to somehow program the champagne fountains to go berserk everybody somebody said the word "fabulous" within ten feet of them.

"You sure you won't have some, Bruce?"

Wayne looks over. Tony gives him a look in return. "I'm fine with water, thanks. Are you going to bet?"

When asked, point blank by his father, about the champagne fountains,, Bruce confessed to knowing that it would happen and giving Tony the pennies that he'd had in his pocket because Tony needed them to do something to finish the device he put under the third of the champagne fountains. Thomas grounded him for a month and a half with a 7:30 bedtime for the whole time. When Thomas told Howard, Howard laughed and eyed Tony trying to look innocent a few feet away.

"Well, I guess that means you're not getting those digital signal processors you wanted."

"But -- "

"You didn't soak Bunny Mathers, son. If you'd done your job properly, I would've handed you this year's Texas Instruments catalog." And Howard winked at Tony.

...

"Pepper, how did you get so good at this?"

"Practice, Tony. Lots of practice."

Bond has, in fact, been studying Pepper's hands, and he thinks, to himself, that she has nice hands for it, too. Not just the manicure, but they're nicely sized and shaped. She catches him studying them and blushes in the prettiest way.

Bond admires the blush, too.

...

"Christ, Bruce. I'm asking as a childhood friend here. Would you drink something besides water? It's positively unnatural to drink water when playing poker."

Bruce fixes Tony with a grim expression.

"No."

...

Water or not -- or perhaps because of the water -- Bruce is the first one out of the game. The pot regularly stands well into five digits, and he has the discipline to stop. The money doesn't even come vaguely close to being significant, and he's tired and a more than a little bored. Stane and Smith are both pretty good. Smith is better than Stane at bluffing, but Stane reads others well without giving too much away. Tony bluffs like a virgin in a whorehouse, but plays the numbers the numbers and odds impeccably. It annoys Bruce that anybody can drink that much and obviously be drunk, but still stay remember the odds of drawing a face diamond to bet correctly. And giggle like the aformentioned virgin when he hauls it in with both hands.

Pepper can't quite stop yawning, so Bruce takes over dealing for her. She curls up on one of the couches, and five minutes later, when Tony turns around to complain that Bruce is probably cheating at dealing cards, she's fast asleep. Her shoes are on the floor, and her feet are tucked underneath her.

Obadiah looks at Bruce; Bruce looks at Bond-known-as-Smith. Bond-known-as-Smith stands up, takes his jacket off, and tucks it over her shoulders. Tony is busy looking at Pepper, but everybody notices that when man-that-Bruce-knows-is-using-a-false-name sits back down, there's a neat little Walther PP9 hanging under his arm.

"Well?" he says.

Nobody says anything, so the game continues. While Bruce deals the flop, the guy guy rolls his sleeves up, and they see the marks and broken skin and on the right forearm, what looks like glass, still caught under the skin.

Bruce knows there's an ankle holster, too, but decides to say nothing about it.

...

"Shit, Tony, I bought those for you."

Tony, at this point, is so drunk that it takes him a second to register that Obadiah is talking to him. He looks over, squints in an obvious attempt to get his eyes to focus, and decides to do the next best thing of staring at the painting on the wall behind Obadiah. He can't tell what, exactly, it's a painting of, but it involves plenty of the color green. And maybe a horse. Tony squints again and decides he really can't tell. Those might be legs. Or they could be trees. Shit.

"Well, now you have a chance to get them back, Obie."

There's a moment of silence – there's no denying they're a handsome pair of cufflinks. Blue semi-precious gems, Bond guesses, carved across the front. There's just a little bit of a cat's eye effect when the light hits them. Bond leans back in his chair and looks at Tony, who's sitting directly across from him.

"You can take them back out again if you like."

Tony makes a drunken, waving kind of motion, and Obadiah looks at both Bond and Tony, then at the pot sitting messily in the middle, for a long moment. It's a mess of chips two inches deep with Tony's cufflinks sitting on top, bright blue, and Obadiah exhales and puts his cards face down on the table.

"No, I'm done. Goddamn you both. Tony, those spinels were carved in Persepolis with the face of Darius the Great, king of all Persia, two hundred years before Alexander was a gleam in his daddy's eye. I got them for you the Christmas that we sold the Seraphim tactical satellite."

On the couch, Pepper sighs and buries her face a little more against the silk lining on Bond's jacket.

...

"Fuck," Tony says, looking at the keys in his hand. "I've got your car."

"It's not really my car,. It belongs to -- " the guy says. He starts to say something, then stops. They're both so drunk that it's pretty much a miracle of genetics that they haven't passed out, vomited, died, or some combination there of. "Well, let's just say my life won't be worth living in about -- eight hours?"

Tony nods. The cuff links are sitting on the table across from him, almost winking, and Tony thinks he should wave goodbye to them or something. "Obadiah is going to be pretty pissed at me for, like, forever for losing those," he says.

They sit in silence for a while, and Bruce Wayne makes a noise of sheer disgust. "Why don't you guys trade?"

Simultaneously: "Oh."

...

Q: Three billionaires, James Bond, and a hyper-efficient personal assistant walk into a room. Who walks out?

A: Two billionaires, one of whom is very drunk and one of whom is very sober. Also, James Bond. Who happens to be somewhat drunk, but not as drunk as he pretends to be.

The third billionaire puts a hand on the shoulder of the personal assistant and gently nudges her awake.

...

"Pepper. Wake up."

She opens her eyes and Obadiah is standing in front of her. The room is empty. "Whose jacket is this?" she says, sounding more than a little dazed.

"Smith's. He put it over you when you fell asleep. Leave it here, and he'll get it tomorrow." Pepper, still sleepy, does what he tells her, and she takes his help in getting up off the couch and leans on his arm, again, to bend down and pick up her shoes. They walk out of the salon and go down the hall, but outside her door, Pepper turns and frowns.

"Where's Tony?"

"He went to go drink some more with Smith."

"More?" Pepper's entire face gets into frowning. "What time is it? He can't do that, Obadiah. He has to -- he has a meeting -- "

"Go to bed, Pepper." Obadiah takes the keycard from her hand, swipes it in the door for her, and hands it back. "I'll see you in a few hours."

Pepper thinks about arguing with him, but decides against it, and once she's staggered through the door, Obadiah shuts it behind her and shakes the handle a little to make sure it's really locked. When he's satisfied, he walks the rest of the way down the corridor, then takes a left and goes up the stairs to be on the deck in time to watch the sun rise over the water, to smoke a cigar and think about the problem of killing Alexander the Great.




All the good ideas came from [livejournal.com profile] jamaillith, particularly Obadiah's involvement and especially the cufflinks being something that he bought Tony. And yes, the half-acre of mahogany line is from the NYT profile of Limbaugh.
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(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:05 am (UTC)
ext_3685: Stylized electric-blue teapot, with blue text caption "Brewster North" (Default)
From: [identity profile] brewsternorth.livejournal.com
Aww. Sweet and funny and edgy and absurd all at once.

Did you have Brosnan!Bond or Craig!Bond in mind?

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
Craig!Bond. I had the most enormous crush on Brosnan!Bond when the first of those movies came out, and I grew up with Roger Moore, but once I saw Casino Royale, it was blond hair and icy blue eyes and cut-as-fuck forever. XD

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] svilleficrecs.livejournal.com
<3<3<3 this :)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] splash-the-cat.livejournal.com
to smoke a cigar and think about the problem of killing Alexander the Great.

Oh, what an excellent note to end it on.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
IN MY HEAD, Tony and Bond wander off to have ridiculously hot, drunken interrogation sex. :D

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:33 am (UTC)
ext_2318: (Default)
From: [identity profile] dafnap.livejournal.com
HE MAKES SURE HER DOOR IS LOCKED.

I'll never, ever get enough of Caring!Obie. Ever.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] svilleficrecs.livejournal.com
WHY IS IT JUST IN YOUR HEAD???

It's totally in my head now too. Sigh. They totally end up in a sort of a (mostly clothed) pile on the floor, passing a bottle back and forth. And Tony totally takes a halfhearted swing at Bond just so he can get thrown to the floor. WACKINESS ENSUES.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
Well, she is a remarkable woman, isn't she?

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
And by WACKINESS, you mean porn. Because Tony thinks it would be a great idea to suck face, but Bond needs Tony's mouth to be free so that he can answer questions about the flood of surprisingly sophisticated, Stark-lite missiles into global hot spots, particularly Afghanistan. Still, though, Tony gets a kiss in, and for a moment, that makes Bond re-consider this whole fucking-Tony-up-the-ass-thing: a guy who can kiss like that probably knows his way around a blowjob.
Edited Date: 2008-07-04 02:43 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 02:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
:D Glad it worked for you. I was a little worried that the swerve into seriousness wouldn't fly given the CRACKY, CRACKY nature of the fic.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ferricent.livejournal.com
Before I say anything else, like how good this is, can I just say that if this sort of crossover is kosh, I'd really, really love Tony/Selina Kyle. Lord knows Tony's all for the smart, confident, shoving-his-necktie-in-mouth-type woman and Wayne chooses to drink way too much water to pay Kyle the attention she needs.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hradzka.livejournal.com
HE MAKES SURE HER DOOR IS LOCKED.

I'll never, ever get enough of Caring!Obie. Ever.


Me neither. This was just delightful.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 03:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
[livejournal.com profile] dafnap and I were actually talking about this back when she had the pink Bruce/Selina layout, and our conclusion was fuck yes. Especially with the shoving his necktie into Tony's mouth. And you know Tony would love ever crazy, crazy second of it.

Kinda like the Emma Frost - Tony Stark thing that was floating around? But with extra awesome, because he pushing in on Bruuuuuuuce's territory.
Edited Date: 2008-07-04 03:38 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
Writing this was way, way, way more fun than I expected it to be. :D

(I'm still chewing over the fic that you mentioned about provisions of Obie's will, by the way. That, in contrast, is )(@*#)(*@3 hard. Clearly, it needs more caring!Obie.)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 04:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] besyd.livejournal.com
Bruce, as usual, looks like he's staring at a blank wall

Ha! (I sat and silently giggled over this - because everyone else is watching TV - for, like, minutes.)

Such a fun read!

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
I love Bruce Wayne, yo. I think he was my first comic-type crush, y'know? From B:TAS. God, how I loved him.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 04:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ferricent.livejournal.com
And Bats/Bruce would totally hear about it and be like 'pssh, whatever, I'm too busy being hardcore and saving Foggy Gotham Town from its own virulent criminality to care.'

But he'd always avoid talking to Tony whenever they were at the same society parties. Makin' all sorts of awkward excuses for why he's gotta, uh, leave, 'cause, uh... there's a... fire. Alfred is on fire. Gotta go.

Tony'd be oblivious.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
I have been informed that is not, in fact, Bruce. But in my head it is. And I am fascinated by the idea that maybe, when they were young, Tony and Bruce had a couple of girlfriends in common. One time, they even split one at the same time -- dark room, big bed. They're all kneeling, and Tony does her from behind while she keeps her hands on Bruce's shoulders. Nothing more than that, though, because Bruce is feeling weird tonight. Not until she's close to coming and she wraps her arms around Bruce's neck and moans against him.

Selina, though, is different.

... ALFRED ON FIRE DIFFERENT!

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 05:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mercurydraconix.livejournal.com
huh. now i'm curious about the GLASS IN HIS ARM. i mean, bruises / scars are constant, and surely Bond has many. but EMBEDDED GLASS is slightly less standard. Also, it implies he came straight to the poker game from killing somebody, which, okay, TOTALLY IN CHARACTER, CARRY ON.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 05:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mercurydraconix.livejournal.com
ALSO. you know Tony would love Bond's car if he ever got a look. and then he'd be like "wait, why didn't I ever think to add rocket launchers to my car?"

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 05:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] atrata.livejournal.com
They sit in silence for a while, and Bruce Wayne makes a noise of sheer disgust. "Why don't you guys trade?"

YES.

I was so excited to come home and see this! It is 31 flavors of win.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 05:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
And Pepper would take a deep breath, tell herself that no, she really shouldn't have slept with the very nice, but slightly frightening Irish gentleman, and then go back to trying to corral Tony into actually writing the MIT commencement speech.

(Which, I kinda wonder whether he'd still give? Or whether they nuked him and got somebody else? But if he does give it, I am utterly fascinated by what he'd say. And whether he'd just deliver it extemporaneously.)

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 05:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quigonejinn.livejournal.com
I want so much Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne interaction. It's not even funny.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 09:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jamaillith.livejournal.com
OH MAN. HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? I HAVE, HAVEN'T I. WELL, I'M TELLING YOU AGAIN.

Dude.

on the deck in time to watch the sun rise over the water, to smoke a cigar and think about the problem of killing Alexander the Great.

asjkdd;; yes. Fuck.

(no subject)

Date: 2008-07-04 01:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amonitrate.livejournal.com
Oh! I loved this! Oh god! How do you keep DOING this?

Tony is a little put out that he never knew that Pepper was good at this, too. Oh Tony.

Also, like, everything else. All the details. Bruce sober, Tony pissed, Bond... watching. And a gentleman. Gah.


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