Benefit Limitation Agreement

[quigonejinn]

So I've been trying to write mediafic about Iron Man since about, oh, ten seconds after I walked out of the movie theatre, but all my dreams of Obadiah's obituary and Maureen Dowd snarking on Tony's press conference have come to naught, particularly after Doomfic.

If you can't beat 'em write it, crack the fuck out.



BENEFIT LIMITATION AGREEMENT

This Benefit Limitation Agreement (the "Agreement") is entered into as of this 19th day of July, 2008 (the "Execution Date"), by and between VIRGINIA ELIZABETH POTTS, a natural person residing at 3948 Garden Drive, Apartment 138, Pacific Palisades, California, 90272, and ANTHONY EDWARD STARK, a natural person residing at 12 Andrews Street, Malibu, California 90263.

RECITALS

WHEREAS on July 18th, 2008, at 8:15AM PST, two hours behind schedule, Anthony Edward Stark boarded a Gulfstream 550 for travel to the Stark Industries, Incorporated (the "Company") 2008 Senior Executive Retreat in Montauk, New York;

WHEREAS at approximately 4:45PM EST, Anthony Edward Stark, having delivered the keynote speech, announced that he was "tired of this shit" and decamped to the "not this shit" environs of New York City;

WHEREAS at approximately 2:12AM EST on July 19, 2008, Anthony Edward Stark was alone in a limo with Virginia Elizabeth Potts;

WHEREAS at 7:18 EST of that day, Virginia Elizabeth Potts awoke in Room 4918 of the Four Seasons at 57 East 57th Street, New York, New York in possession of a raging hangover and certain memories of having engaged in certain activities;

WHEREAS at 7:19 EST of that day, Anthony Edward Stark began inquiring, while still in bed, as to what they would eat for breakfast and whether Virginia Elizabeth Potts had packed him extra underwear;

WHEREAS at 7:19 EST of that day, Anthony Edward Stark began initiating further activity;

WHEREAS Virginia Elizabeth Potts is of the belief and opinion that "this thing we have now" requires clarification and limitation;

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual representations,warranties and covenants, and other terms and conditions, set forth herein, and for valuable consideration received and hereby acknowledged to be sufficient,Virginia Elizabeth Potts and Anthony Edward Stark agree as follows:

1. Vehicular Limitations: No Benefit shall given, expected, requested, or initiated in vehicles driven, piloted, or otherwise guided in any way by Harold Hogan.

1.1. Benefit as a capitalized term hereby includes, but is in no way whatsoever limited to, kissing, licking of necks, contact by more than two fingers with bare skin between the knees and the cheekbones, oral sex, removal of underclothing, and the removal of shoes, whether heeled or flat, worn by Virginia Elizabeth Potts, with the expectation of touching subsequently exposed feet.

1.2 Vehicle is hereby includes, but not be limited to, all cars, limousines, Humvees, trucks, boats, ships, yachts, motorcycles, planes, helicopters, scooters, go-karts, hot air balloons, space shuttles, and Helicarriers.

1.3 Under no circumstances is Anthony Edward Stark to shout or yell any triumphal word, utterance, or noise from a window, moonroof, sunroof or other structural vehicle aperture.

1.4 Notwithstanding the foregoing, nothing in this Section 1 shall be understood to prevent activities pursuant to and appropriate to membership in the Mile High Club, provided that such activities are engaged in only upon confirmation, either verbal or instrumental, that all parts of the aerial vehicle are fully at least one (1) English mile above sea level.

2. Benefit Separate and Distinct: There shall be no Benefit given, expected, requested, or initiated during the provision of Personal Services, as that capitalized term is defined in the Personal Services Agreement dated as of August 12, 1999 by and between Anthony Edward Stark and Virginia Elizabeth Potts. Any Benefit conferred is understood to be entirely separate from the provision of Personal Services as previously defined. Personal Services specifically include, but are not limited to, retrieval of underwear from under the chair on the other side of the room, checking how many clean pairs of boxers remain in the suitcase similarly on the other side of the room, and the ordering of breakfast while severely hung over.

3. The Denise Richards Provision: Virginia Elizabeth Potts hereby covenants that there shall be no more nagging about getting a blood test after the Maxim 100 party.

4. Supporting Our Troops and Recognizing the Contribution of Labor Unions: Each year, on the day designated by calenders in general use in the United States as Veteran's Day, Virginia Elizabeth Potts will support the troops by performing one (1) musically-accompanied expressive dance composition of at least four (4) minutes in length. Such composition shall feature, as an integral element of said expressiveness, the architectural feature known in common parlance as a "stripper pole."

4.1 Virginia Elizabeth Potts hereby stipulates, through signing below and initialing in the space provided here _________, that the stripper pole installed on Stark Force 1 is acceptable for supporting the troops as described above.

4.2 On any other day, a request for any form of expressive physical activity involving, around, or featuring the stripper pole shall, at the election of Virginia Elizabeth Potts, constitute an event of Default as laid out in section 7 below.

4.3 In return for her generous support of America's military, on the first Saturday following the day designated by calenders in general use in the United States as Labor Day, Anthony Edward Stark shall recognize the contribution of America's labor unions to our cultural and human condition by fixing his own lunch, including, but not limited to, cutting the crusts off his own sandwiches. Anthony Edward Stark will then load the dishwasher with any produced dirty dishes in the kitchen and proceed to the garage to soap, wash, clean, vacuum and wax, through his own manual efforts, unassisted by robotic means, one (1) four-wheeled vehicle then owned, titled, delivered into possession and then present in the garage appurtenant to 12 Andrews Street, Malibu, California 90263. Such recognition of America's industrial past will begin with Anthony Edward Stark appropriately clothed and continue through various states of progressive undress. Virginia Elizabeth Potts shall be entitled to observe from a lawn chair and hold the hose.

5. Monthly Transportation of Goods: Subsequent to the Execution Date, Virginia Elizabeth Potts will wear garters and stockings once a month on a day of her choosing and will inform Anthony Edward Stark that she is "wearing the goods" no later than 9:00AM local time on the day thereof. For the purposes of this contract, but in no other context, such day is to be known as a "Goodie Day."

5.1 Extension of Goodie Day may not be achieved by means including, but not limited to, hitting the snooze button, reprogramming the alarm clock, reprogramming Jarvis, reprogramming the Master Clock of the United States, travel over the International Date Line, time travel, time machines, time warps, and time particles.

6. Divestment and Vestment: Anthony Edward Stark will trim his goddamn goatee when asked, as Virginia Elizabeth Potts desires neither to look like a clown nor be forced to wear pantyhose to save her inner thighs. In consideration of this previous, Virginia Elizabeth Potts agrees to retain and not divest, upon request at an appropriate time and in an appropriate manner, any footwear she should happen to be wearing at the outset of Benefit.

7. Default and Remedy: A single incidence of each of the following shall constitute, without notice or requirement of opportunity to cure, an event of Default under this Agreement:

Hickeys above the collarbone

Handholding

Novelty condoms

Checking of Blackberries or smartphones during provision or receipt of Benefit, except on the birthday of Virginia Elizabeth Potts

Initiation of Benefit while the proposed recipient is on a telephone or video call, except on the birthday of Virginia Elizabeth Potts

A gift of lingerie, including all items branded Adorisadora, Agent Provacateur, Anna and Boy, Beau Bra, Belabumbum, Chantelle, Cosabella, Damaris, Fauave, Fleur T, Freya, Guia La Bruna, Hanky Panky, Huit, Le Mystere, Mary Green, Margherita Mazzei, Mimi Holliday, Miss Mandalay, Nearly Nude, Ondademar, Princesse Tam Tam, Verde Veronica, Victoria's Secret or Verdissima. If there is a dispute as to whether an item constitutes lingerie, reference will be made to the definition contained in the then-current edition of the American Heritage Dictionary.

Requests or attempts to include a third party in Benefit provision or exchange, excepting only Colonel James "Rhodey" Rhodes when said Colonel Rhodes is really, really drunk.

Phone calls, texts, or e-mails requesting provision of Benefit or Personal Services, as that latter capitalized term is defined in the Personal Services Agreement dated as of August 12, 1999 by and between Anthony Edward Stark and Virginia Elizabeth Potts, while Virginia Elizabeth Potts is engaged in or in the course of what, in her reasonable determination, constitutes a "date" with a third party including, but is definitely not limited to, not at this stage anyways, Phillip Coulson.

Upon each event of default by Virginia Elizabeth Potts, one (1) additional Goodie Day shall occur in the month in which the default occurred. Upon each event of default by Anthony Edward Stark, Virginia Elizabeth Potts shall be entitled to three (3) hours away from Anthony Edward Stark, where such hours shall be ones where Virginia Elizabeth Potts is normally awake and where Anthony Edward Stark may not call, text, voice mail, e-mail for any purpose not defined in the latest edition of the Official SHIELD Handbook as a Class 2 Emergency or physically enter a three mile radius of Virginia Elizabeth Potts unless the President of the United States and the Joint Chiefs of Staff have elevated the readiness and preparedness of the United States military to DEFCON 3 or a more severe level thereof. Each such attempt to contact or approach Virginia Elizabeth Potts, even if unsuccessful, shall constitute an additional event of Default. Anthony Edward Stark agrees to the acceptability of said remedy for default with the understanding that "you'll be so bored without me," to which Virginia Elizabeth Potts states, "That's what Agent Coulson is for."

8. Communication and Notice: Excepting only use of the name "Pepper," Anthony Edward Stark covenants not refer to Virginia Elizabeth Potts, either in her presence or in the presence of others, including Jarvis, through the use of pet names, nicknames, terms of endearment, or snugglebunny terms including, but not limited to, honey, darling, baby, babe, sweet, sweetie, cutiepie, hot pistol, hot mama, my little pepper pot and all variants thereof, including substitution or addition of "hot" and/or "spicy" for "little," and smoothest drive train in town. Each violation shall allow Virginia Elizabeth Potts to elect either (i) to schedule Anthony Edward Stark for one (1) interview with Christine Everhart of not less than forty-five (45) minutes in length or (ii) write the next Company press release, which will refer to Anthony Edward Stark as "Mr. Apple Bottom" and, alternately, "the Apple Cheeks CEO."

9. Miscellaneous: At the insistence of Anthony Edward Stark, Virginia Elizabeth Potts hereby releases Anthony Edward Stark from liability for "head like you wouldn't believe, 'cause sister I've been practicing" on the condition that the likelihood of this is "fat chance, but fine, you can try, and by the way, calling me 'sister' counts as a pet name in violation of Section 8."


IN WITNESS WHEREOF, Virginia Elizabeth Potts and Anthony Edward Stark have caused this Agreement to be executed as of the date and year first written above,


__________________________
Virginia Elizabeth Potts


__________________________
Anthony Edward Stark



Even more of a Hivemind production than normal because dafnap was feeding ideas. And atrata insisted on a certain provision re: Labor Day in return for writing the Tony/Rhodey version of this. Extra, long-lived gratitude to feyth, without whom I'd still think that Tones's middle name was Howard.

Comments

[dorothy1901]

This is fun.

reprogramming the Master Clock of the United States

Because he would, he most certainly would. :)

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Without a freakin' doubt. Pepper is going to wake up tomorrow morning and think of twelve things she missed.

[amonitrate.livejournal.com]

oh god I adore your brain.

Any Benefit conferred is understood to be entirely separate from the provision of Personal Services as previously defined.

SO AWESOME.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

NO, I ADORE YOUR BRAIN. Which is to say that when I got up this morning, I was still trying to get over the mental image of Tony celebrating Christmas with Pepper and Happy.

[amonitrate.livejournal.com]

[mutual fangirling]

awww.


and now you have to write how Obie spends the holidays.

[bellebonnesage.livejournal.com]

I really love this! I'm not a lawyer, but it seems fine to me :)

I live for the crack!fic, so thank you very much!

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

HEE. Glad to oblige.

[hradzka.livejournal.com]

I am ever so fond of your utter crack.

It's an oddly little thing, but I think my favorite part of this is Stark Force 1. Because you *know* he'd call it that.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Days later, and I still can't get the horror of what happens when Pepper founds out the real Stark Force 1. Thanks a lot, hradzka. Thanks.

[catechism.livejournal.com]

I am on a plane somewhere over vermont and I would just like you to know that my love continues unabated and, if the FAA is to be believed, will bring this airplane down. It will be so so worth it omg your brain I can't even. Gah.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

GLAD THAT YOU ARRIVED SAFELY. Though, for the record, now that I've got a story tagged by you as desertislandawesome, I'm pretty sure that I can die happy.

[catechism.livejournal.com]

heeeeee.

Yeah. Um. Apparently this is the only IM fic I have read that I would take with me to my desert island! I should make sure that's true. (Usually that's a tag I go back and add later, once I can tell if a story is sticking with me. Like, if I go back to read it a lot or I keep thinking about certain scenes. I just haven't really gone back through my IM stories yet. I know you are really fascinated by my tags, sorry, I can't shut up about my del.icio.us. I'm actually thinking about making a whole post about this. Wow! Shutting up now. Srsly.)

[rez-lo.livejournal.com]

I may have hurt something, what with the cackling and wheezing and laughing my ass off. Excellent crack. (Via amonitrate)

[musesfool.livejournal.com]

bwahahahahahaha! Awesome.

[svilleficrecs.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAH!

Win!

[besyd.livejournal.com]

Some days you scare me. But in a totally good way.

This is ... just beyond! Crack divine.

Virginia Elizabeth Potts shall be entitled to observe from a lawn chair and hold the hose.

Okay, I scared my puppy girl, I shrieked so loudly over this.

Score you!

[rexluscus.livejournal.com]

*dies*

[treewishes.livejournal.com]

This makes my brain hurt. Other parts are laughing too hard to notice, however... *g*

[stephanometra.livejournal.com]

I am laughing so hard right now.

[prosodi.livejournal.com]

Oh god. YOU ARE SO TOTALLY MY HERO.

SO MUCH YES TO THIS:
Requests or attempts to include a third party in Benefit provision or exchange, excepting only Colonel James "Rhodey" Rhodes when said Colonel Rhodes is really, really drunk.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

BECAUSE OMG I WANT GOOD TONY/RHODEY/PEPPER. Where Rhodey is drunk, and Pepper realizes that Tony. Knows a lot about getting Rhodey out of his uniform.

[phoenix64.livejournal.com]

Gee, you know how to deliver the good crack, don't you? For some reason 1.3 may have been my favorite part.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

AHAH. Yeah, get your blue tops here! :>

[montana-crows.livejournal.com]

*dies*

Love this. In fact, I think I will make a Labor Day clause contract with the hubby. That sounds quite fun.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Everybody needs a Labor Day clause. :D

[cupiscent.livejournal.com]

Fucking superb. *G*

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

HEE. Glad to be entertaining. :D

[eglow23.livejournal.com]

Requests or attempts to include a third party in Benefit provision or exchange, excepting only Colonel James "Rhodey" Rhodes when said Colonel Rhodes is really, really drunk.

HEL-lo.

This makes me oh, so happy.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

Indeed. Tony/Rhodey/Pepper is my KRYPTONITE.

[oxoniensis.livejournal.com]

I adored this! Great fun.

[thistlerose.livejournal.com]

This was really creative and very, very funny. I love it.

[threerings.livejournal.com]

Brilliant.

[refisher.livejournal.com]

Brilliance.

[nessataleweaver.livejournal.com]

Dear GOD, what I wouldn't give to have been the legal secretary typing this!

[tonpep1.livejournal.com]

You made me laugh so hard I snorted. That was funny as hell. Loved every minute of it.

[(Anonymous)]

Love love love this. Wow. How do you even THINK this stuff? Ahhhh...

-Chief

[fanofall.livejournal.com]

Too much awesome to textually render. Although you clearly tried. :)

[starfishchick]

5.1 Extension of Goodie Day may not be achieved by means including, but not limited to, hitting the snooze button, reprogramming the alarm clock, reprogramming Jarvis, reprogramming the Master Clock of the United States, travel over the International Date Line, time travel, time machines, time warps, and time particles.

And the "The Denise Richards Provision" is pure genius.

Very fun. Here via http://makesmewannadie.livejournal.com/375357.html.

[pensive]

THEY HAVE A SEX CONTRACT.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

WELL IF YOU ARE GOING TO PUT IT IN SO MANY WORDS.

[azephirin.livejournal.com]

This is hysterical. And not just because I spent several hours this evening on Contracts reading. :)

[commodoremarie.livejournal.com]

Clearly this fic brings all the law students to the yard. I have my Contracts final in a week, and as a direct result nearly peed myself laughing while reading this.

[popupduck.livejournal.com]

I actually don't what to say. I can't pick out my favourite bit, though, the bit about time travel is brilliant. I too think Tony would be trying to make a time machine at some point in his life. This is amazin'. Win.

[cincoflex.livejournal.com]

Bwahahah! This so covers Pepper's desire to regulate and Tony's flat out desires, snerk! wonderful!

[xaara.livejournal.com]

I know this is a million years after the fact, but I loved this. It's so them, and her in particular. Supporting our troops indeed. ;)